Losing you

Losing you wasn’t just painful, it was fucking damage also. 

It wasn’t me sitting on a couch, sourrounded by my friends as we watched disney movies and ate junk food, trying to forget you. It was me staying up at four in the morning, when you were sleeping peacefully by her side, because the thought of you was so fucking strong, I couldn’t even close my eyes without seeing your face. It was me crying at random hours of the day and me not wanting to get out of bed. It was me swallowing thickly and blinking back tears, every time I was in public. It was me having a hole in my chest, causing my breaths to come out shaky rather than normal. It wasn’t just me listening to sad songs and eating cookie dough. It was me eating nothing for two days straight and then eating as much as I could until I had to vomit. It was me thinking about every old conversation and wondering because I couldn’t figure out where I went wrong. It was me blaming myself and regretting every feeling that I ever had for you. It was me wanting to talk to you, whenever I felt sad, but then realizing I don’t really know you anymore. It was me having to watch you being with her, every day, all day, it was me having to watch you from afar when all I wanted to do was sitting next to you. It wasn’t just me staring blankly at my phone deciding wether to text you or to block your number. It was me typing long messages because I wanted you to know the exact affect me losing you has had on me but deleting every word because I felt like you didn’t care at all. It was me waking up thinking ‘It’s three months today’. Not since I lost you but since you’ve been with her. I wasn’t able to shower without thinking of you and then sobbing in the bathtub for two hours. I wasn’t able to brush my hair in the morning and believe I’m beautiful. I wasn’t able to listen to love songs without being trampled by memories of you. I wasn’t able to love someone who was not you.

Losing you wasn’t just some romatic heartbreak it was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life and I still can’t get over how much you hurt me.

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