This one’s for you. And the funny thing is, you’re probably never even gonna read this. However, this is everything I never said.
I don’t know what happened or how it happened but ever since you walked into my life, you changed it completely.
Everyone has a person that has become the definition of love for them. It wasn’t love at first sight. I have to admit that. We barely even talked in the beginning. But when I got to know you better, I accidentally fell super hard for you. I can’t describe you in words. You’ve always been that person that means more to me than everyone and you are beautiful in every way possible. Once you would enter a room I was not be able to look away. I could stare at you for hours and not get tired of you beautiful face, the wrinkles by your eyes when you smile or when you curled your lips while concentrating. When you looked at me and smiled it was like for a split second everything stopped and your smile pierced through all of the bad in my life and all was well again. I was so completely, passionately in love with you.
You were the reason, why I drew those stupid hearts all over my notebook. You were the one that I thought of when I went to bed and my first thought in the morning. You were the one I wanted to watch the sunsets with, watch the stars and talk about space with. I wanted to be the one you think about, not just when you’re bored, but when you’re busy with life. I wanted to fall asleep in arms and wake up next to you. I wanted to be the smile on your face. I wanted you to call me at 2am, when you think that you’re life’s a mess and I wanted you to call me at 4pm when you just got home. I wanted to be the one you would want to hug, hold hands with, hear the voice of and I wanted to be the person you turn to when your day was good or just as bad. I was not able to experience anything fun without wishing I could share it with you. I wanted us to go on a road trip. Just you, me, the highway, the radio and the blue sky above. I had it all planned and the images in my head seemed so real. Too real. I wasn’t able to close my eyes without seeing your face. Oh God, I wanted your heart to be so obessed with me. I always used to think you’d be the light at the end of the tunnel. The kind of rain that feels like it kisses your skin. The feeling of coming home.
But that’s not reality, I guess. The reality of the situation is life has led me to believe, that no one would ever want me that much. I’ve liked you for the longest time and I always knew you did not like me back. You turned to the sound of a heart breaking. You gave me the chills. In the same way when I hear the sound of nails scrape a chalkboard.
I never told anyone how I felt when we stopped talking and when you started being with her. I just told anyone I’m happy for you being happy and that you are happier with her. I don’t tell them how empty I felt. I never told anyone that your name was pure torture whenever I heard it and how I can’t delete any of your messages. Fuck, I liked you so much and it was killing me, because no matter how many times we looked in each others eyes or how much we talked and laughed, it was never going anywhere. It was killing me, to see you chosing her. Trust me, you never realize how much you like someone, until you watch them like someone else. But I just told them what matters, what only ever mattered was your happiness. Maybe I was just afraid, that the others would think I’m exaggerating or that I’m childish.
I feel like I need to apologize. I don’t even know what for, but I just feel the need. I’m sorry. I feel like I blame you too often. I blame you for things that were never your fault. It’s my fault, because I was never brave enough to tell you anything. I guess you never wanted me fall inlove with you and you never sent any mixed signals. It was just me and my second thoughts. I turned things around. I felt like we were friends and I felt like we were really close. And I always imagined more. I really felt like I knew you. Now I know I didn’t. I never did. I was so afraid to tell you about anything, you have no idea. I’m aware that I’ve had a lot of possibilities, I’ve had so many chances and still I never had the courage to tell you. I was just so afraid to lose you completely. I knew you would never love me back, but I was so obsessed with the thought of us. It would’ve broken my heart if we had stopped talking. I was so afraid that you would hate me after and that things would be awkward. I was craving your attention and I was happy whenever you looked at me. Now I know I should’ve told you. We’re strangers again and all we share are some good memories. I’m sorry every time I blamed you and every time I’m going to blame you.
I know you were never really mine, but I still loved you, after everything you’ve done to me and everything I’ve done to myself. I think you know, that you love someone, if you don’t hate them for breaking your heart. To be honest, I’m scared to know what it feels like to be okay without you. But by now I can feel it. Sometimes you still cross my mind, not gonna lie, but not like you used to. I start feeling okay. And I hope you are happy, I really do.