I’m terrified. I’m terrified, I will never get over him. I don’t mean that I won’t move on, because I definitely will. I will love other people and I will be loving myself. But what if it’s his face that I see, when my future daughter comes crying over the boy who rejected her?
I’ll tell her the story about the boy I fell for when I was her age. About the boy that would always chose another girl over me. I’ll have to lie through my teeth to her. I will tell her, that the pain stops and remind her that she has felt whole without him and that she can feel that way again. I will tell her that she will forget his smell and the way he held her, tightly pressed against his chest. I will tell her that she will find other boys that will make her happier than he ever could. But I won’t tell her how I could not delete any of his messages. How I sometimes still reread my old journals, just so I can remember how it felt to be in love with him. How I look through old photos on my laptop and pause just a little too long on his face. How I still look for his face in the crowd and how I see it in every flower. How that one song will always remind me of him. I’ll tell her that I think she’ll be okay soon and I’ll keep this dark secret to myself. I’m terrified. I’m terrified that he will forever be ingrained in my brain and my hands will always kinda ache for his skin. I’m scared that I’ll never be rid of him. And I’m really terrified because I don’t think I want to be.